late night thoughts...

you can't move forward if you are constantly looking backwards...

"Be where you are, otherwise you will miss your life" - Buddha
Do one thing everyday to make you happy (that is most likely coffee for me!)

"Live your questions now and perhaps even without knowing it, you will love along some distant day into your answers..." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Or as Rihanna and T.I. put it....just live your life

I really need to work on the live in the now, and not worry about the future or reminisce about the past. And that includes living where I am, not worrying about what is happening in Chas, but focusing on Roc, whether it is temporary or longer term. I need to stop worrying about finding myself, it will happen in time.

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...

What can I say, it's catchy, and can be a great motto (more or less) I had a great snow day with an old but really good friend today. We froze our butts off in the snow (well I did, my blood is still a little thin) and then giggled like school girls for what seemed like hours while catching up in a cafe. It was some much needed therapy. And it's free, a full day of activity for under $2. A walk in the village in the snow to take photos, and then catching up over coffee. A perfect day for a starving artist. Might I say Blockbuster's whole 99cents a day thing has me sitting pretty cheaply as well catching up on seasons of Ugly Betty. I do wonder if they recognize me as the crazy girl who rents a new disc of Betty almost every day, more therapy for my soul. Coffee, laughter, Betty. So being unemployed now for just about 2 months, can lead to some pretty pathetic ways to spend your time.(if you haven't noticed yet) I have become quite the window shopper...I used to walk all over Charleston, whether it was to and from work, or a day off I would walk...and walk, to the water, to the park, for coffee, just to window shop. Here the option to walk is not as easy, not to mention it's freezing outside. I had numb toes and a pink nose after about 10min today. So I go to Target, or the mall, and shop...but seeing as how I have no money I don't actually purchase that much. It allows me to walk around and get a much needed change of scenery, and something to do of course. So my pathetic Saturday night consisted of late night mall walking....
Now what else can one do when they are bored and desperate? Ah yes try to become friends with your brother's ex. Well let me check that off my list, it's quite possible this 20yr thinks I am out of my mind...I just happened to discuss my brother's exes with him the other day and there was a certain one who stood out to me as being cute as a freaking button (nauseating really...) and my mother referred to her as a free spirit. So of course she rose to the top of my list. Well hopefully she didn't find out that I referred to her as my hopeful sister-in-law. Let's be honest I had been drinking (a beer) and am bored. AND my younger brother is more of a hopeful at a marriage any time soon then myself, my older sister, or my three older cousins. We all appear to be pretty hopeless. So when a random number texts me this evening, it was followed with a picture of the ex girlie. She can't wait to meet me and has heard a lot of cool things about me. Now either she is a real sweetheart, or I am being mocked. There is a chance I will meet her at trivia tomorrow night. So let's reflect, things to do when you are broke and unemployed, long photo walks in the village, plenty of window shopping, and try to be best friends with your brother's ex.
Someone give me a job!

tomorrow...

so have I mentioned that tomorrow Mellow is having an art show to benefit toys for kids, all the art is going to be super cheap and 100% of the proceeds is going to give kids presents for the holidays. Two artists who were in my last show are putting it on, and can I just say I am so incredibly wicked jealous that I cannot be there. Well I'm jealous that I am not a part of the planning, and hanging, and decorating, etc etc...
Of course via facebook and myspace I have gotten invites, and posts, and I get e-mailed all the press info about. (Jonah is great at what he does) City Paper pick, Post and Courier...Charleston business journal, etc etc. The art shows I feel like were my babies, and I'm thrilled that they are thriving even with out me, but I am still left feeling jealous, and wishing I was there.
Now, is that a sign that my work there is not done, or am I just bored and not moved on, or maybe I am not needed there anymore. All I know is right now, come Jan I want to go back to Mellow and plan our Valentine's Art show. (F Cupid!)

piggybacking Kal...

"Happy Holy Daze, Leo! If I could give you one gift for the holidays, it might be a magic object to add to your love altar -- something like a pomegranate resting on red velvet, or a golden heart-shaped magnet, or Pablo Neruda's book 100 Love Sonnets. What? You don't have a love altar? Well then please begin creating one as soon as possible, and continue building it throughout 2009. For the next 12 months, the time will be right to get smarter, wilder, and kinder in your approach to creating intimate connection"....courtesy of the Charleston CityPaper

So I am not hopeless but apparently I need to do some work instead of the whatever happens happens....or go with the flow mentality I normally have. I think I will dig out one of my many Feng Shui books and research where my love altar is and what element is missing from it. I'll keep you updated.

So I decided to also read my horoscope in my local Rochester, Democrat and Chronicle paper...
"You're feeling slightly insular. And though you don't mind meeting new people, you find an emotional touchstone in the people you know well"

and this one is right on...which is why I'm torn in Rochester...my family is here, but my adult life is not (well not yet?) struggle through the starting over at the bottom in hopes of something different or go back to the familiar comfortable job that has a longer term potential not to mention sunshine.

sunday

Normally on a Sunday I could begin my rant cursing out the Bills, and my disappointing addiction. My brother called me out today acting like my sister while watching the game......and in my defense I can't help it...it came over me like a poison that cold day in front of the stadium sandwiched between thousands of other addicted fans. Being a Bills fan is like shooting yourself in the foot (oh wait that's the Giants!) You know you're going to do it, and it's going to hurt and you fire away screaming...Today however we chose to stop watching after the first half. The Bills had a miraculous comeback of an interception to touchdown followed by another touchdown (almost off of the punt return) Well sitting on a happy Bills moment we put in Narnia, Prince of Caspian. Following the movie we saw they had lost but the score was 31-27...very respectable. At least they started scoring touchdowns again (It had been a few games) Well come to find out later, they had been winning the game up until the final two minutes when the QB lost the ball and the Jets grabbed it and ran it in for a touchdown. So freakin glad I did not witness that. The familiar heartache of a Bills fan.
I have been filling my days baking Christmas cookies...I have found lately I need to stay busy or I go crazy. I miss working. It's not fun to take time off when you are broke and everyone else is still working...a foil in my plan I didn't expect. I have gone from finding myself, to being completely lost in the woods, deer in headlights, frozen. Maybe this is a part of the journey...but that is the hopeful part of me, not the realistic part. And clearly being a Bills fan is not the antidote I need. I really should at least explore Rochester and see what it has to offer, tomorrow is suppose to be 50 so it should be the perfect day to wander, and take photos...find an adventure.
Maybe this week I will copy Kal and make soy candles...

christmas cookie wednesday

So what does an unemployed, broke 25yr old do......raid her mom's cabinets and make some christmas cookies. One of my dreams in life is to open up my own cafe/wine bar/ art gallery. I would like to spend my day baking treats and serving coffee, or popping wine bottles for art openings. Now my mother is a great baker so of course I have never given it a try. I like to think I am a good cook, or baker but when it comes down to it I don't actually do it, I just know what would be good. (If that makes sense) I can pick out great healthy recipes but when it comes down to it someone else ends up doing the cooking. I might as well start actually baking and cooking....
I chose Coconut Pecan cookies, (out of Taste of Home) minus the pecans I'm not a fan


These golden brown cookies will remind you of German chocolate cake, with chocolate chips and coconut in the batter and a yummy pecan-coconut frosting. A drizzle of chocolate tops them off in a festive way. -Diane Selich Vassar, Michigan

* 1 egg, lightly beaten
* 1 can (5 ounces) evaporated milk
* 2/3 cup sugar
* 1/4 cup butter, cubed
* 1-1/4 cups flaked coconut
* 1/2 cup chopped pecans
* COOKIE DOUGH:
* 1 cup butter, softened
* 3/4 cup sugar
* 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
* 2 eggs
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 4 cups (24 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips, divided
* 1/4 cup flaked coconut

Directions:
For frosting, in a large saucepan, combine the egg, milk, sugar and butter. Cook and stir over medium-low heat for 10-12 minutes or until slightly thickened and mixture reaches 160° or is thick enough to coat the back of a metal spoon. Stir in coconut and pecans. Set aside.
In a large bowl, cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt; gradually add to creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in 2 cups chips and coconut.
Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 8-10 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool for 10 minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.
In a microwave, melt the remaining chocolate chips; stir until smooth. Frost cooled cookies; drizzle with melted chocolate. Yield: 6-1/2 dozen.

cupcake converse

I think I need to start a mantra with my life...remember the wwjd? Well mine is going to be wwtfd...what would a 25yrer do...or should do... I should say. I thought this today as I was admiring some converse sneakers with cupcakes on them...oh how cute the little cupcakes were, and then stopped myself. I am not under the age of 10, nor do I own my own cupcake shop therefore as a 25yr old (trying to become an adult) I do not need cupcake converse shoes....especially being unemployed and broke...instead I headed over to Jcrew...an adult store! Can I afford it? No! but...take an additional 30% off sale items! How could I refuse...so a charged $40 later I walked out with two tops not feeling too guilty about it, it could have been way worse.
So I spent my unemployed Tuesday walking around the Galleria mall, after a quick interview at the restaurant in Buffalo. It really is going to be a cool restaurant/ cafe to eat healthy food, or grab a coffee and take an art class, with rotating local art on the walls and weekly music...but I'll stop myself. What's the point seeped into my head on my drive there (while grooving to T.I and Beyonce) I have no family or friends in Buffalo, I am not attending school there nor is this a start up career.
I might as well stay in Rochester, or go back to Charleston...
While wandering the Galleria I stopped into some shoe stores for my endless journey. It used to be to find boots, and now it is simply to replace my birks. Now let me tell you about my birkies...they are about 10+ years old...and boy do they look it. There is nothing grown-up or classy about them. They are dark brown and yet still look dirty. They go perfect with my jeans that are ripped up at the bottoms...(almost every pair, seeing as I have the vertically challenged thing going for me) but I have come to realize I really do need new shoes. (In Charleston it was flip flops everywhere or sneakers at work) And now in the cold and snowy weather I'm in the routine of slipping on the birks...I have other shoes, the birks are just the easiest to slip on and off, and ask anyone I know I am not a shoe person. It's not because I'm lazy (I have plenty other examples for that) I am just not a shoe wearing person at home, in the car, or even in a restaurant I am known to slip my shoes off. Hey at least I wear them walking around the streets unlike some hippies who roam the streets of Charleston barefoot. I'm not sure what it is I can not commit myself to new shoes...I know I will just go back and slip on my birks to drive to meet Kate Shannon for coffee where I will prob slip them off. I need Stacy and Clinton or Tim Gunn to come and throw them away, preferably Tim Gunn he will prob just give me a fantastic new shoe no decisions necessary...Stacy and Clinton will make me browse through stores to buy new ones, way too many decisions for the indecisive. One of these days I promise I will have the will power to throw them out and buy replacements...(or for the love of god will someone throw them away for me when I am not looking...preferably when I am at home and have a back up pair, not when I am out with nothing else to wear) I did imagine as I was sitting legs up, shoes off, eating a DD bagel and sipping a coffee, that a stranger was just going to come by and steal my shoes just to be funny (not because they want them) but no one did...so at least I didn't buy cupcake converse (though kudos to anyone who has, or will) but negative kudos to my comfort blanket attachment to my birks...

welcome

You may call it stir crazy or a mental breakdown, I call it channeling my inner nut case for a worthy cause. I have a live journal which is mainly for the late night breakdowns, and my best friend and I have a photo blog, we try to upload a photo a day (heartslitteringtopsoil.blogspot.com) but I guess you can say my sarcastic self-pitying side was craving something more...
I am 25 and moved home (western NY) from Charleston SC a little over a month ago. Yes I moved from Charleston SC to upstate NY at the end of October. (I must have had a mini stroke) I do recall being delayed in the Charleston airport due to bad weather in Philly, when I finally arrived in Philly I was delayed again, a supposed to be 5hr trip turned into 10. I already felt the mockery. Now don't get me wrong it hasn't all been bad I have done a little traveling (Albany, NYC, Toronto) but let's fast forward a week into my trip I went to my first NFL game, the Bills vs the Jets. Now I haven't been a Bills fan in years, I think the whole going to 4 superbowls in a row and losing did me in, however my Dad has recently dusted off the old sweatshirt and over the past few years has become quite a fan. So there I stand in the cold outside of the stadium drinking beers and eating chips and dip with his coworkers. Hands just about numb we make our way into the suite and there before my wide eyes is the huge awesome field. The Bills were 5-2 playing the Jets who were 4-3, the Bills were favored to win....4 quarters later there in the huge awesome stadium I sat with disappointment at the 26-17 loss. There in that stadium is where the addiction began. (again) I continued to feed the addiction during disappointing loss after disappointing loss. A fumble here, incomplete pass here, missed kick there...last week I made Buffalo Wing Chicken dip (ummmm delish you should try)

(courtesy of allrecipes.com)
INGREDIENTS
* 2 (10 ounce) cans chunk chicken, drained
* 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
* 1 cup Ranch dressing
* 3/4 cup pepper sauce, such as Franks® Red Hot®
* 1 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
*
* 1 bunch celery, cleaned and cut into 4 inch pieces
* 1 (8 ounce) box chicken-flavored crackers


DIRECTIONS

1. Heat chicken and hot sauce in a skillet over medium heat, until heated through. Stir in cream cheese and ranch dressing. Cook, stirring until well blended and warm. Mix in half of the shredded cheese, and transfer the mixture to a slow cooker. Sprinkle the remaining cheese over the top, cover, and cook on Low setting until hot and bubbly. Serve with celery sticks and crackers.

anyway....so dip for the game vs the 49ers they were like 3-9, easy win right....wrong
Another disappointing loss 13-3 (I believe, I tried to block it out)
Fast foward to about 4 1/2 hrs ago, the Bills still had a chance at the wild card, they had to win followed by a bunch of teams who had to lose...there was still hope.
New week, new game, new chance, the dolphins. Same disappointing story...interception here, incomplete pass there....

So since moving home from Charleston I am unemployed and a Bills fan. And what do I mean by Bills fan? I am addicted to a hopeful yet always disappointing in the end drug. Next week vs the Jets it will be the same story..... and there I will sit enchanted, hopeful in the first half, and probably pissed throwing popcorn at the tv in the second half...

tomorrow I have an interview at a restaurant in Buffalo (did I mention I live in Rochester) Why am I going to interview at a restaurant in Buffalo when I live in Rochester......eh what else will I do with my Monday anyway...